This Roller Coaster

My darling Sugar,

What a roller coaster these past few weeks have been.  I returned to work last month and although my colleagues and my clients are terrific people, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to care about my work. I am more distracted and less focused each day. Life will continue whether I launch another marketing campaign or not.

I am suddenly in a position to consider a new life for myself and our daughter – one that you and I always dreamed of. One that involves moving to a warmer climate where we can breathe in fresh, clean air every day, eat fresh, locally grown foods and most importantly, live a less stressful life where I can teach our little girl to appreciate nature and love.  This would mean a move out of our country – a country where by most standards is one of the safest in the world.  Our “safe” country however, doesn’t believe in healing with nutrition and continues to invest in environmentally catastrophic practices – drilling into the earth’s core to uncover fossil fuel reserves, risking our precious water table and putting the soil under us at risk of great pollution.

I am looking at moving to a country that will  be carbon neutral by the year 2021 and doesn’t believe in war.  A country where we’ll need to learn a new language, but one where I will be able to live for many years to come without working.  I recognize that my emotions are heightened right now and I may not be thinking clearly.  I feel as though I’m seeing more clear than I have in my entire life, but I will continue to conduct research, talk to expats and locals and I will take a few trips to the two countries I’ve narrowed down as the best options.  I will do this for 6 months to a year and if all checks out, off we go.  Please don’t worry about us.  We wish you could be here to make the move with us, but I feel like the universe has given me the opportunity to give our daughter the best kind of life and I’m ready to give up my career, our home and everything familiar to make it happen.

A turning point for me came earlier last week.  It was nothing and everything.  I had to rush home to pick our Little Love up from daycare early just so I could get her settled in with her dinner in front of the TV because I had to jump onto an “urgent” client call. I spend ONE hour with her each day from Monday to Friday and I was forced to spend that day ignoring her.  It broke my heart and confirmed that what I’m considering is right.  She deserves better than that.  Since she can’t have both of us here balancing our time with her, she will get my full time attention at least for the next few years.

I have asked you to come to me in my dreams tonight – something you’ve yet to do – and to give me your OK, or to guide us somehow.  I hope that you heard me and I look forward to seeing you later.

We love you and miss you.

Your Sweetness and little Bub

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